How to Recover Trust After Adultery – 6 Easy Steps to Follow

The discovery that your partner has been involved in an extramarital affair has to be one of the most devastating things that anyone has to come to terms with. If you are wondering how to recover trust after  adultery  has occurred, then you can be reassured that it is possible to rebuild a relationship and establish trust once again. For this to take place, the adulterous will have to drastically change his/her actions and behaviour in order to create a bonding relationship once again.

Here are some steps that you and your partner can take to recover trust after  adultery :

Step # 1 – First, allow yourself some time to gather your thoughts and deal with the many emotions that come with discovering that your partner has committed  adultery . During this time, you will experience a range of emotions including: anger, sadness, shock, disbelief and denial. Keep in mind that all these emotions that you are experiencing are quite normal and will help you to deal with what you may have been suspecting all along. Also, this range of emotions will help you move forward as far as acceptance that this affair did happen and that you want to rebuild your relationship by beginning the healing process.

Step # 2 – Once you have your emotions and feelings in check, it might be time for your partner who committed the  adultery  to come out and actually acknowledge to you that this affair took place and why. Doing this will enable both of you to move forward so that the trust and rebuilding of your relationship can begin.

Step # 3 – Avoid making any rash decisions like ending the relationship and walking away altogether. You both need to discuss whether or not you see each other recovering trust after this  adultery  and whether you are both willing to try and rebuild your relationship so you can have a future together. As part of the healing process, you both need to express your emotions and how this extramarital affair has impacted you if you are going to move forward.

Step # 4 – In order to recover trust, the partner who committed the  adultery , must promise to end all communication and contact with the other interest. You will never be able to recover trust and rebuild your relationship if your partner continues to have contact with the other person.

Step # 5 – Address the root cause for the  adultery . You have to determine why your spouse cheated on you in the first place. In order to recover or rebuild trust in your relationship, you need to work on fixing those problems which caused one partner to stray in the first place. In turn, this deliberate therapy will help both of you grow closer and start anew.

Step # 6 – And finally, show your partner that you can be trustworthy. Demonstrate by your actions by purposely correcting the problems which caused the affair to happen in the first place.

After Adultery – Saving a Relationship Is Hard Work

Putting a relationship back together after  adultery  may not be impossible, but it will be very, very difficult. In order for the two of you to fix your broken relationship, you will both need to be willing to do whatever is needed and commit to the relationship fully. There can be no half hearted attempts or it simply won’t work.

Many couples will make their first step to seek the help of a therapist which may be a great idea. The truth is that the two of you are in an emotionally heightened state and may not be able to keep your calm during the process. Having an objective third party who can moderate the process might really help the two of you make some headway.

If one or both of you are determined to do it on your own, than you can, but it may be more difficult and even more painful.

It’s important for both of you to understand that there is no excuse for infidelity, but nothing happens in a vacuum either. While you don’t need to, nor should you, condone cheating it is often the sign of other problems in the relationship. Facing up to those problems and finding constructive solutions to them may be the answer to moving on after  adultery .

As a matter of fact, dealing with these underlying issues may be a way to make your relationship better than it has been in a long time or maybe even better than it has ever been. You just have to get over this hurdle, and it is a big one.

Of course if the one who committed the  adultery  is a chronic cheater and this is a long standing pattern of behavior rather than a one time moment of weakness, the odds of ever having an adult, respectful relationship with them are slim to none.

I am not trying to be harsh, but facts are facts. If the person you are in a relationship with has shown through their actions that they are so flawed and lacking honesty or integrity that they habitually cheat on whoever they are with do not think that they are just going to turn over a new leaf and be the person you want them to be… they won’t.

If you are in a relationship with this type of person you really would be wise to cut your losses and move on before they cause you anymore pain. Someone who is so fundamentally flawed can never be a worthy partner and you deserve better, everyone does.

If you decide that you simply can not forgive your partner, or they cannot forgive you, then you will have no choice but to move on. Be willing to give it time and if it was you that did the cheating, make some much needed changes.

Christians Cannot Commit Adultery

If you’re a Christian and believe all of the things written in the Bible as the written word of God and you’re a man or a woman, I’ve got some bad news for you. If you’ve ever looked at another man or woman and thought that they were attractive in a sexual way, there’s a good chance that you have committed a sin and you could find yourself dwelling in purgatory forever.

Before I get carried away here, I don’t want to scare everyone who really believes this stuff. Try to imagine someone burning in a lake of fire while they are being tortured forever. It doesn’t make much sense and neither does a lot of stuff that is written in the Bible.

If you think I’m kidding around with this stuff and you have an extra Bible lying around the house, look this verse up Matthew 5:27-28. It should give you everything that you need to know about adultery and looking at other men and women in a lustful way.

If you need to know what happens to adulterers, look up Leviticus 20:10. You’re probably going to be shocked at what you read and if you don’t know much about the Old Testament, I would like to share something with you. It suggests that people should be killed if they commit adultery.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there’s something wrong with these Bible verses. Any intelligent person that is alive today can find fault in the statement,” We should kill every one who looks upon another man or woman with lust.”

If you believe in Christianity, Judaism and Islam, there’s a good chance that you can make some sense out of the statements, but I would like to ask you a question and see if you can answer it honestly to yourself. Have you ever looked at someone in a lustful manner? If you have and you believe this stuff, you probably have a pretty good idea what’s going to happen to you. I can understand people believing this stuff 2000 years ago or maybe even 500 years ago but today, come on you got to be kidding me.

Emotional Adultery – What Is An Emotional Affair?

Since emotional adultery doesn’t have the black and white definition that a physical affair usually does, it can be hard to pin down if your spouse is indeed committing emotional infidelity. If your partner engages in sexual activity with someone else, it is clear that they are cheating on you. But how do you know when an emotional line has been crossed?

To start, it helps to define what an emotional affair actually is. When your spouse seeks physical or sexual fulfillment from someone other than yourself, that is considered adultery. So the same rule can apply – if your spouse looks for emotional fulfillment with another person that is emotional adultery.

Having friendships with people other than your spouse is fine – and actually quite healthy. Having only one’s spouse or partner to talk to can be limiting and stifling. However, there is a big difference between having a well rounded circle of friends and being emotionally intimate with someone else.

The problem lies in that a very strong emotional connection often leads to wanting to extend that to a physical connection. It is human nature. Additionally, that strong emotional bond can lead the people involved to falling in love. Obviously, having your spouse fall in love with someone else will be very damaging to your relationship!

Now that you have a clearer picture of what emotional adultery is and how disastrous it can be to your marriage, you need to determine if your spouse is heading in that direction with a friend of theirs. If you feel like your spouse is about to start an emotional affair (or already has), you will need help and guidance on how to save your marriage.

Is Looking At Pornography The Same As Adultery?

Pornography has snuck into our homes like Satan did with Eve in the Garden of Eden, tempting even the purest of heart. Some people have never thought about looking at porn before they had a computer, but now it somehow repeatedly gets in their view, and oops it happens.

There are a few really bad apples out there that revel and delight in tossing immoral imagery into our faces. Whether we read about these lusty desires in our Spam email or see it on popup banners, we’ve all come face to face with it through our computer. Most of us don’t think twice about deleting porn from our email and in fact, we try to get popup blocker to stop the harassing banner ads.

Since porn is tossed out recklessly everyday in front of our face, eventually someone is going to click on it. It might be your husband, your wife, or your teenage son.

The bad apples are overjoyed! They work for Satan. Satan tells them sneaky and conniving ways how to do it, and make it more enticing. The bad apples comply because they want everyone to be depraved like them.

The problem begins when a person is tempted into viewing this garbage and they do not apply any moral ethics they might have on a godly foundation. The worldview of what morality is in grave error. If you base your belief system on something that is sinful, you will become in bondage to that particular sin. That is how Satan gets people involved in his work. They serve him by being a slave to sin.

Because porn repeatedly shows up on our computer in one form or another, we eventually give into it out of curiosity and say, “But one time won’t hurt”. In reality, folks, it does hurt. It hurts yourself and your loved ones tremendously.

“You have heard that it was said, “Do not commit adultery. But I tell you anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27,28

1. Lust is an unhealthy and sinful desire that takes a person away from that which is right and good. It does not matter if it is lusting after strangers on the Internet or a fleshly body in a secret place. To yearn for the flesh of another person other than who you are married is wrong thinking taking over your mind and eliminating the natural goodness that resides in man.

Satan knows that by getting you to think and envision the lusty images in your mind first will entice you to desire it. Once you take a peek, you look again, and again, until you can’t seem to get the immoral imagery away from your mind, and you become ensnared within it. If you think long enough, you become what you think. God says we are not to even THINK about these things in our mind.

“Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life”. Proverbs 25, 26

You are worth more than a loaf of bread, aren’t you? If you continue in your wrong thinking, you will turn moldy, and then no one will want you.

2. If the act of adultery is wrong, then so is the intention. It is considered mental adultery and thus a sin! To be faithful to your spouse with your body, but not your mind is to break the trust that is so vital to marriage.

Pornography is easily justified in the minds of those who view it. They have broken a code of ethics to validate in their minds that it is okay to view it. Pornography for many is more justified than the physical act and if they get caught looking at it, all they have to say is, “well, at least I didn’t have an affair.”

This kind of thinking is wrong and is in total denial. Denial is the opposite of acceptance. If you can’t accept that what your doing is wrong then you are in denial. The Internet only enables those who are tempted to continue in their addiction. Satan instructs the bad apples to get smarter and smarter in their different ways to put it out to the world. That means you have to fight back harder to eliminate sexual immorality from your life.

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.” 1Thessalonians 4, 3-5

Viewing Pornography and getting off on a temporary rush is only a symptom of a much greater problem. Lusting after the flesh of heathen strangers is bad enough, but this lustful desire also defiles the body, mind, soul, and marriage. In my book, it is the same as having a physical affair.

How can I stop looking at pornography?

The power to rid yourself of temptation and to remain faithful comes from what you believe. Therefore it does not rest in you alone but in your Creator. If you have been unfaithful it is because you do not have the foggiest idea how to utilize the tools (gifts) God has given you.

Loyalty to ones spouse is a part of the giving process that you learn through allowing God’s love and forgiveness into your heart and mind. When you accept what the Truth is, you can actually give of yourself and do it freely. It’s really that simple. Accepting is on the same line as humbling oneself. If you humble yourself to God, the one and only true director, you are giving yourself to God. Once you actually release your errors to God, He will rid you of temptation.

For those of you with a conscience, I say don’t kick yourself too hard. You made a mistake and looked at porn. Pick yourself right back up and start all over anew. I say the same thing for those who have had an affair. Just because you were weak once does not mean, you are a weak person. You are what you believe to be true. Your potential is much greater than you allow. God will give you the power to cease and desist all tempting situations in your life, and become the person you were intended to be.

But you have to accept and believe in God as you source.

God hasn’t condemned you yet. It is not too late to turn your life around and come to your full potential. Let go of Satan’s hand and take a hold of Christ’s hand. Don’t condemn yourself!

If God is your source, and he is, that is where you came from, why do you look to the world (Satan) for reassurance of self? If the world is where you look for truth, you will believe what the world says, and probably be weak in your sin again. As with any addiction we are powerless to defeat it on our own.

When we fall into weakness, essentially, we’re like a confused lost puppy unable to find our way home. We do not have a map to help us search for the lost treasure. We’re probably not even sure why we are unfaithful and some of us remain in weakness. We have decided that society is our home, and society tells us that unfaithfulness is acceptable. Which, on the opposite end is what God says is not acceptable. As I said earlier, when you accept what you see in the world as truth, you tempt yourself into adultery and immorality of all kinds, which is not truth, but a devilish lie told by Satan.

It is God’s will that all marriages be built upon the rock of loyalty and when you remain steadfast and loyal to your spouse, even through the hardships, you are allowing God to give you the understanding you need to remain faithful. By trusting in what God says for your marriage, you are less tempted to stray from the marriage, whether in the physical act or through pornography.

Therefore, you must stop looking to society for the answers. Faith comes from believing in what you cannot see with your eyes, bringing those beliefs into the heart and acting upon them with passion. Having and utilizing the power of faith is an individual matter that is gained by your own personal relationship with God. Make God you source!

It is not to late to come out of Sodom & Gomorrah. You do not have to base your opinions and thoughts on the ideas of sinful character. You can find your way home.

The Male Menopause and Adultery – Do You Need a Doctor Or a Lawyer?

They come into my office on a regular basis. Women in their late 40’s who have been married for 20 years or more, have grown up children and what looks like a happy and stable family life, who have suddenly been told by their husband that they want a divorce. I call them casualties of the male menopause.

The male menopause used to be laughingly referred to as a mid-life crisis, but more recently even the medical profession has started to take it seriously as a real physical and psychological condition. Married women will recognise many symptoms in their husbands which may now be attributed to medical conditions such as Testosterone Deficiency Syndrome; fatigue, irritability, weight gain and reduced libido (often resulting in a complete cessation of any sex life for the couple).

The symptoms that can often be more troublesome are the psychological ones. When he starts going to the gym after years of taking no exercise or starts dyeing his grey hairs you might want to take notice. Of course this could just be a healthy effort to take care of himself, but it could also be an attempt to make himself more appealing to the opposite sex in an effort to try and recapture his youthful vigour. We all know the clich├ęs of men buying sports cars or motorbikes for the same reasons, but the really dangerous symptoms to look out for are him changing his socialising habits with that new group of friends, working late at the office and hiding credit card bills.

In many cases, unfortunately, this behaviour ends up with him having an affair, often with a much younger trophy girlfriend. To people on the outside it can appear to be a form of madness to walk away from a long established family and give up everything that the couple have built together, but it is all too common an occurrence.

The cost for walking away from a family can, in some cases, be a hefty divorce settlement in favour of the wife in addition to ongoing child maintenance.

Let’s not kid ourselves that this type of behaviour is exclusive to middle aged men; plenty of women go down the same path in an attempt to fight off the ageing process and recapture their youth.

Of course it doesn’t have to turn out like this. Picking up on the early signs of your husband’s problems can give you an opportunity to support him and to address them within the relationship, before he goes and does anything irreversible. It is always worth considering marriage guidance or other forms of therapy. Adultery doesn’t always mean the end to a marriage, but it is certainly one of the main reasons cited when petitioning for a divorce.

Responding to Adultery

Discovering that your spouse has committed  adultery  is one of the hardest things a person can learn. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding his or her infidelity, it can have devastating consequences for a marriage and a family. If you have recently discovered that your spouse was unfaithful, you may be overwhelmed with emotion and, consequently, unable to react accordingly.

Your reaction may depend on the nature and extent of your spouse’s infidelity. For example, a one night fling may be perceived differently than a long term affair. The implications of exclusivity in marriage is different for different people; however, for most, honoring your vow of faithfulness is an integral component of a marriage. Many spouses who have been wounded by infidelity experience:

  • Initial shock and awe; an inability to believe the truth
  • Once accepted, spouses generally exude anger
  • Following anger is self-pity. Thoughts such as “why did this happen to me?” or “why my family?” dominate one’s consciousness
  • Many victims of infidelity feel resentful of the time and energy they devoted to the preservation of their family and/or marriage
  • Forgiveness–Whether it takes months or years, the deep wound of  adultery  will likely heal

Different circumstances may result in different outcomes. For some couples, they can look past their partners’ mistakes and salvage their family; however, for others, there is no option outside of divorce.

If you have recently discovered that your spouse was unfaithful, you may be paralyzed by shock–unable to make a decision about the future of the marriage. In situations such as this, it is helpful to speak with good friends of family members about your predicament. Some people may recommend the assistance of a family therapist for counseling.

If you conclude that your marriage is not salvageable, you will need to begin divorce proceedings. With the help of an experienced and compassionate divorce attorney, you can enjoy the benefits of a smooth, fair, and quick divorce. For legal assistance with divorce proceedings, visit the website of the Oceanside divorce lawyers of Fischer & Van Thiel, LLP today.

Whether Adultery is a Heinous Crime?

While  adultery  is a punishable crime in countries like India, it is not a crime in some of the western countries like France and Germany. Having sexual intercourse with a person other than your own spouse is called  adultery . Therefore, in legal parlance  adultery  may be defined as an extra-marital relationship.

Though  adultery  may not seem to be a gravest crime, still it sometimes plays havoc in the life of a person by inducing him or her to commit gravest crimes. When we analyse the actual causes for such crimes, they invariably point an accusing finger towards our culture and tradition. In the Indian society in the case of married couple fidelity of a spouse to his or her spouse is always expected and insisted upon.

But in the case of a person who is living in  adultery  or committing  adultery , he or she is always conscious of the fact that he or she is flouting the culture and tradition and fidelity is becoming a casualty. At the same time he or she is afraid of public reprobation apart from the legitimate and strong objection that he or she may encounter from his or her spouse.

Hence, a spouse in the process of committing  adultery , when it is known to his or her spouse, naturally expects a violent and recurrent reaction from his or her spouse. To be on guard against such reaction, the spouse who is living in  adultery  may launch a violent attack against his or her spouse resulting in a gravest crime, sometimes even a murder.

Recently, a Sessions Court at Villupuram, in Tamil Nadu, wherein a murder case was tried, witnessed such a pathetic case. A woman, who was living in  adultery  with her paramour, killed her husband by pouring kerosene on him, when her husband came to know about her  adultery . Unfortunately, the woman’s crime was witnessed by her own 7 years old son and 12 years old daughter. Both of them were put into the witness box and they categorically deposed that their mother was living an immoral life and killed their father.

The woman was convicted with life imprisonment and when the news of her punishment was made known to her, she wailed tremendously and repented for what she had done. She also pleaded not guilty for fear of leaving her children uncared for like orphans, when she becomes a life convict.

Now a real question mark hangs over the future of the two of her young children who are not even teens. Hence, when we view  adultery  in the background of the above case history, it is a heinous crime since it always encourages the commission of yet another horrible crime.

Rape, Consensual Sex and Adultery – How Can You Differentiate Between Them?

How does the law distinguish and prove that rape or consensual sex? Is it simply done on the basis of the woman’ word against the man? What if she is tying to frame the guy, blackmail him or trap him into marriage? If the man is married and has consensual sex, can he be guilty of adultery? Let’s see how we can legally draw lines between consensual sex, rape and adultery:

What is Rape? According to the section 375 of IPC (Indian Penal Code), a man is said to commit ‘rape’ when he has sexual intercourse with a woman…

1) Against her will

2) Without her consent

3) If her consent was obtained by putting her or any person she’s interested in under fear of death or of hurt

4) With her consent, when the man knows that he is not her husband, but she believes that he is the man she is lawfully married to

5) If the consent was given under intoxication or unsound mind.

The word ‘consent’ or ‘against the will’ is being sought to be modified to be interpreted to mean -whether the girl had the sexual desire during the period of intimacy(not necessarily intercourse). Lubrication of the vagina would be one of the indications of sexual desire which can be medically ascertained. If it is found that the girl had a sexual desire, then it is not rape.

What about consensual sex with a Minor? If the victim is a minor, then there is no question of consent, it amounts to rape conclusively, according to IPC (Indian Penal Code). When the victim’s age is below 16, it doesn’t matter if the sexual act was carried out mutually, or if the perpetrator and the victim were in a relationship at a point

Can the rapist be tried for adultery? Whether it is rape or consensual sex, where does the point of adultery stand if the person is married? According to a prominent lawyer, the Indian system doesn’t take serious cognizance of adulterous activity. In Shiney Ahuja’s case, the aggrieved party, which is the wife has not complained.

Are men at a disadvantage? In matter of rape, men are always at a disadvantage, according to legal experts. That is primarily because men are considered more aggressive of the two sexes. Section 114 A of the Evidence Act says that if the girl states in her evidence before the court, that she didn’t consent to the act, the court will presume her statement as right. An innocent man can be convicted on this presumption. The previous sexual behavior or character of the girl cannot be taken as record in the inquiry or cross-examination under the same Act.

Can Consensual Sex be proved? In case of rape, the evidence of the victim is satisfactory. Proving that it was not rape, but consensual sex can be tough. To prove consensual sex, there should be evidence in the form of telephonic calls or text messages which show involvement. Even if the victim is a prostitute or if condom is used, it cannot be accepted as consensual sex. When the victim is from a weak, social and economic background or where there is an employer-employee angle, the benefit of the doubt is always toward the victim.

Is marital rape legal? In a lot of countries including Nepal, a man cannot force his sex into physical intimacy without her consent. In India, though section 375 of the IPL mentions that the sexual intercourse with a woman who is above 18 against her will or consent does constitute rape but then there is a exception: Sexual intercourse by a man with his own spouse, the wife not being under 15 years of age is not rape. It is constituted as domestic violence and has a lesser jail term.

The Peril of Adultery

“My son, pay attention to my wisdom;

Lend your ear to my understanding,

That you may preserve discretion,

And your lips may keep knowledge.

For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey,

And her mouth is smoother than oil;

But in the end she is bitter as wormwood,

Sharp as a two-edged sword.

Her feet go down to death,

Her steps lay hold of hell.

Lest you ponder her path of life–

Her ways are unstable;

You do not know them.

Therefore hear me now, my children,

And do not depart from the words of my mouth.

Remove your way far from her,

And do not go near the door of her house…”

-Proverbs 5:1-8

I wrote “Lesser than the Greater You Possess,”

as an answer

to a stranger’s question.

I wanted him to know that to depart from my wife,

whom I love more than myself,

for another

would be accepting something lesser than the greater

I now possess.

LESSER THAN THE GREATER YOU POSSES

A MAN ONCE SUGGESTED TO ME A PLACE

WHERE UPON I COULD DINE WELL

AND GAZE FONDLY UPON ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS.

I REPLIED THAT I RATHER NOT.

FOR THREE DECADES AND THREE,

I LOOKED BEFORE FINDING MY LIFE’S MATE.

AND IN THOSE THREE DECADES AND THREE,

I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER LIKE.

YET IN SIX DECADES AND SIX

IT IS BEYOND MIGHT;

THAT I WOULD NEVER FIND HER LIKE.

SO WHY LOOK,

WHY PONDER WHAT IF,

WHY IN MIND OR DEED PURSUE

LESSER THAN THE GREATER YOU POSSES

-By Stan Lewis